Random Topic Mondays: Dairy Products

Today, I introduced my Twitter followers to the wonders of Random Topic Mondays. Earlier this evening, I tweeted: “Time for Random Topic Monday. The first person to @frealityy me a topic will be the topic I’ll blog about tonight.” and within twenty-five minutes, I received an @frealityy message from my beloved follower and followee, @LindsayDebo, responded with the topic: Dairy Products. I don’t really know much about dairy products, nor do I really like them all that much. I’ll give you reasons why I don’t like Dairy Products.

Well, first of all, you have to realize that milking a cow is cruel and embarrassing. Imagine farms full of human women who are used for nothing more than their lactating body parts. I think it’s cruel. And what’s more, is that I think drinking a bodily fluid of anything is disgusting. Here I am though, just thinking about how when I have a baby, the only reason I’ll allow it to suck at my breast is for the simple reason that it’s healthy. Babies need milk to get calcium so they can grow strong until they’re able to drink calcium-fortified orange juice. Orange juice, my friend, does not come from a cow’s boob. You’re thinking: “An udder is different than a boob.” Well, my loyal reader, it is not any different. A cow’s udder should be used for nothing but feeding it’s young until they’re old enough to go without milk, because a cow, nor a baby cow (a.k.a. a calf), doesn’t drink calcium-enriched orange juice. Cow’s udders are incredibly similar to a human breast except for the fact that cows can’t get free drinks if they have huge udders. The thing is, is that just like human boobs, drinking from them, (after you’re over the age of three) is really disgusting. And you should all quit drinking milk.

Another thing I hate about dairy products is how they’re so vain. You probably have no idea what I’m talking about. But just think about it, if dairy products were a human being, like, in your group of friends, they’d be that friend that nobody liked. They’d be that friend who wrote their name all over their binder, and carried a mirror everywhere to fix their makeup. They’d be that friend who constantly bragged about how good they were at sports, and how having a mustache–a white mustache–is just SO cool. Dairy products have those damned commercials with all the mustaches. I hate that. The only mustache worth having is a Tom Selleck styled-one, or if you’re Timguy. There is no other food product that I know of that has it’s own commercial. Like, I know of different brands that sell their particular version of a food, but it’s not like apples have their own commercials. It’s not like pistachios have their own commercials with fancy facial hair (you’re probably thinking about Mr. Peanut, but he represents a brand, and he has a monocle, not fancy facial hair). It’s just stupid. I hate dairy products.

Other than the fact that just the taste of most dairy products (in particular milk) make me want to vomit, they’re vain and really gross. The only dairy products I eat are chocolate milk (it tastes good), ice cream (it tastes good), and cheese (it’s on pizza/tastes good). They also make my dad sick, so, GTFO DAIRY PRODUCTS. Go for Soy Milk, or Almond Milk, I hear that stuff’s good. I’ve never tried it, because I’m against substitutes (fully commit, y’know?) but at least it’s not from a cow boob, right?

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